Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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