Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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