I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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