Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize