I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
