Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
