He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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