Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
This beer is not sobering me up at all
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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