i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
