Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
be right there i have to get my cape
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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