I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
