Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
