I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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