Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm getting married
To pizza
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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