I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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