Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Vodka?
Forever.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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