its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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