I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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