i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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