I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
