guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
