Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
