what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
