you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
