I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
