So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
