and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
