Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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