I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
