Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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