On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
