I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
