i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
