We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
