the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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