i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
