What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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