You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize