I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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