All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
