anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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