John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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