I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
