woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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