I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
