Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
