A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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