His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
