he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
