wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
