Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The beer is more important than you right now.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
