Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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