...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
