I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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