Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
