Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
they need to just BURY HIM!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
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Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
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You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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