i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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